countdown to a year older

In twelve days I will be thirty-six.

THIRTY SIX.

And thirty-six is a year closer to FORTY. FORTY. I don't feel grown up enough to be approaching FORTY. I don't feel like I've done enough as a mother, a wife, a teacher, and a school administrator to be as old as I am now. But I do feel tired. Tired enough to believe that I really have lived thirty-six years on this earth. Sad, I know.

A few weeks ago I gave birth to our third daughter. After two normal deliveries, Jesse came out via an emergency caesarean procedure. It was emotional for me...and for Junjay. I remember lying on the delivery table and as they were preparing to cut me open I was started to cry. Why? Was I scared? A little bit. Was I disappointed that things were not going according to what I planned the birth to be? Maybe. Hurt because what I was going through was one big unanswered prayer? Yes, that was it.

I guess I couldn't really blame God. I haven't been what you would call faithful. But I do know that He wasn't punishing me. Maybe just teaching me a lesson. And I'd better learn the lesson so that nothing as painful as this (and I mean both physically and emotionally) will happen again.

But I have to hand it to Him. I still got something special out of this roller coaster pregnancy and delivery ride.

Jesse Daniela

Isn't she beautiful? They all are.

Iya, Sary and Jesse...I must admit I was scared the two
older ones were going to squish the baby.

And I am still blessed. With a wonderful, wonderful family. I have three little girls who make me feel like I am the best person on earth (for now) even during times when I turn into "Monster Nanay". And I have a husband who is loving, accepting, and supportive even when I have messed things up.

This was taken a little past midnight on Junjay's 35th birthday.
I was still pregnant in this photo...so no judging of my weight!

So this month, it's all about gratitude. For what I have and for what is to come.